Letters

My, my. The past couple of weeks have been crazy. I am behind on my correspondence. Do you mind if I catch up?

Dear America,

Hey, it's Bre. Just dropping a note to say I think you're really swell. No, I mean that. I watched you at the Olympics, and I have to say I'm really impressed. You did great and performed at a top-notch level. You broke some records, had some incredible victories, and demonstrated to the rest of the world of your kick-buttedness.

I know you feel bad about the hockey thing. Hey, silver is nothing to frown on, you did great and gave it a good fight. I'm proud of you, America.

Much love,

Bre


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Dear Heidi Montag,

You are ridiculous. I don't even know why you're in the public eye at all. Please fade into the background already.

I appreciate it.

Regards,

Bre


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Dear Snookie,

I'm sorry, who are you?

In all seriousness,

Bre


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Dear coworker sitting to the left of me,

I trust all is going well on your side of the wall. You know how you like to burp all the time? Funny story about that, I used to enjoy burping a lot too! I prided myself on being able to produce epic belches. I was in junior high, though.

I'm not sure if you are, in an abnormally weird round about way, trying to impress the new boss, or if you genuinly have some sort of intestinal issue or if the majority your diet is air intensive products, but you're in a professional environment, and I'd love to not hear your burps. If you could at least work on that, I would be grateful. And I mean that in the nicest way you could possibly ask someone to not burp all day long.

Your coworker,

BreAnn


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To my coworker sitting to the right of me,

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know you work really hard and are never recognized for your hard work. That's unfortunate. Consider this a small bit of recognition. Oh, and thanks for entertaining me. High five.

You're still a whore.

Love,

Trigger


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Dear dogs,

I have taken you into my home and you have wanted for nothing. In return you provide me with affection and I really appreciate that. I think this relationship has been working out really well. Except, there is a matter that needs addressing.

Please consider this an official write-up. I don't like to do this, and I want to give you the benefit of doubt, however I have given you multiple verbal warnings, and I have not seen any improvement.

Dismissing admonishments, you continue to bark with absolute intensity when the doorbell is rung, if anyone enters our house or even passes by the window. This is inexcusable.

You are now on probation, and if this probation is violated it could have adverse results up to and including calling Cesar Milan to our house. And he will teach Jordan to not give you table scraps. I think we both know you're not interested in seeing that happen.

Sincerely,

Bre

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Phew, what a relief it is to have all that out of the way so I can continue along my day!