I Was Convinced I Was Dead

Last year I went snowshoeing. Last year I was out of shape. Last year it was ridiculously difficult and exhausting. Last year I had a grand ol' time.

This year I went snowshoeing. This year I was in worse shape. This year it was even more difficult and exhausting. So, if I were to follow the pattern, would I say that I had even more fun this year?

Uh, sure. Let's say that.

I went with my brother Jeff, my sister Brit and her husband Ross. We were planning on going up Provo Canyon to the back of Timp, but when my mom heard where we were going she was convinced we were going to encounter an avalanche and stated "My heart just can't take that." So, to ease her heart we went up AF canyon instead, and did the Alpine Loop. I don't really see the difference, but hey, if I just tacked a little extra time on that ticker of hers, then great.

The thing about snowshoeing is you never know how to plan. You want to dress warmly, but then after you get going you're sweating up a storm, and I never know how to balance it out between not wanting to dress too warm, or not warm enough. So, I always dress too warm to stay on the safe side, and then end up roasting. I have the same problem with skiing, you don't know if all of a sudden it's going to get windy and cold, so I always pack for an end-of-the-world blizzard.

It was apparent I was over dressed a good three minutes into the trail and I was already dying. My lack of fitness also factored in immediately and I told the others to go on ahead. Brit and Ross passed me, but Jeff stayed behind me saying he was going to make sure I kept up a good pace. He was worse than Brazilian aerobics lady. He threatened me, he prodded me with ski poles, he encouraged me, he told me there was a conveyor belt juuuuuuust up the trail, which I later found to be a bold faced lie.

It was great to have the company, though I'm sure he'd rather have a faster speed than I was capable of. And although I was confident I could have vomited blood at any given second, it was great and I'm ready to go back. The scenery is always beautiful, with the trees all covered in snow.

SO, I just realized that I had posted about my snowshoeing trip last year. AND that post is about the exact same as this one, even down to some particular phrases and complaining about my inability to dress appropriately. Wow, apparently I severely lack originality and creativity. Well, we went on the same trail this year as we did last year, so if you want to see some gorgeous pictures, and possibly read some repetition, click here.

Conversations

I've come to the realization that we sometimes have peculiar conversations:



Bre: "Where's Kea's collar?"

Jordan: "It's off foxtrotting."

Bre: "It sure loves to foxtrot."

Jordan: "It's found another collar it admires."

Bre: "Ah, and it's wooing it with a foxtrot."

********

Nick: "What're you watching, is that To Catch a Predator?"

Maggie: "Umm, that's The Bachelor."

Jordan: "Uh, I don't see the difference."


********


Jordan: "You're going to break the couch."

Bre: "Scuze me?"

Jordan: "You're not supposed to sit on the arm of the couch, it'll break."

Bre: "Oh, I didn't realize there was an Idiot's Guide to Couch-Sitting handbook."

Jordan: "There is, and it's on the first page."

Bre: "I would think the first page would be the Table of Contents."

Jordan: "No, 'cause it's only one page."


********
Once upon a time Jordan and I went to the new movie theater behind the University Mall. It was quite a busy night and parking was bad. Miraculously, we came upon a golden parking spot up front, and for some reason it was closer than all of the handicapped spots. Jordan was worried that he would get towed anyway, and was convinced there is no way he should be able to park closer than the handicapped spots. So he passed up the parking spot, and I watched the guy behind us take it, and we had to park far away and hike in the cold. I never let him live it down.

Another day we went and this spot was open again.

Bre: "Park there and redeem yourself!"

Jordan: "I can't, it doesn't make sense!"

Bre: "PARK there and REDEEM yourself!"

Jordan: "I'll get towed."

Bre "PARK THERE! REDEEM YOURSELF!"

Jordan: "It's illegal."

Bre: "PARK THERE AND REDEEM YOURSELF!!!!!"

Jordan mercifully pulls into this blessed spot;

Jordan: "I REDEEMED MYSELF!!!!"

Bre: "YOU REDEEMED YOURSELF!!!"

***After the movie***

Bre: "My, what a delicious parking spot."

Jordan: "I redeemed myself."

********

Dog Park

 I decided to take Brighton to the dog park. Before you feel bad that Belly (aka Bella) was left behind, may I remind you that her size makes her the perfect candidate to get eaten or mistaken for poo and stepped on.

I was nervous for the boy. While he looks like an old man, he is indeed a mere pup at the ripe age of five months, and (much to my chagrin) hasn’t met other dogs before besides Bila (aka Bella) and his brother Havoc. I was afraid of how he was going to react to other creatures that were bigger than him. My sister also told me there was a husky there that liked to attack the newcomer dogs. Ah, so something to look forward to, is that what you’re saying?

I went with my sister, Britney and her husband Ross, who brought her dog Havoc, so Brighton could have the moral support of his bro. We pulled up and we were the only ones there. That’s all well and good, I was a little relieved that Boy could run around in a huge fenced in area to his tiny heart’s content, and without the worry of other possibly aggressive dogs. I told Brighton to go play, and he promptly squatted and released the largest amount of poo I have ever seen. I was horrified. This meant that I got to carry his poop in a baggie for the rest of the afternoon, he really wasted no time in relieving his bowels. Thanks buddy.

Much much lighter he took off running with Havoc and discovered some horses that were in a pasture next to the park. Here was his first large mammal test. While Havoc expressed his curiosity with a understandably massive amount of barking, Brighton stuck his nose through the fence and just sniffed and stared. Now we know he is not intimidated or aggressive with large animals through fences, but what I really needed to know was how he handled bigger dogs.

And we just got our chance; a cute terrier showed up, and while she wasn’t huge she was still probably twice the size of Boy. He took it like a man; he let her sniff him, and then sniffed her back and they were good. Then this ridiculously adorable beagle and giant Dachshund prance up, and we get to see how he handles big ol’ creatures, and multiple ones at that.

Let’s have an honest moment: I had to desperately fight the urge to pick him up and get him away from the other dogs. But I didn’t want to be that girl and more importantly I didn’t want Boy to be that dog that is always looking for reassurance and protection. He needed to stand on his own two feet, um four paws, I mean. He handled it like a champ. He was calm, butt-sniffs were shared all around and I relaxed. . . for about 30 seconds.

Just then a guy brings over a leashed husky. The “I like to pick on new dogs” husky. Oh, what a coincidence, Brighton just happened to be a new dog to the park. He was a gorgeous animal without a doubt, but his bared fangs really ruined it for me. He was also the largest dog there, and desperately tugging at the leash trying to get at the other dogs. The urge to pick Brighton up and get away from there intensified. As much as it sucked I stayed away from Brighton, and watched his reaction like a hawk and tried to remember everything Cesar Milan has ever said about exuding a calm attitude.

The husky kept lunging toward Havoc, and Havoc barked like crazy, letting the husky know he wasn’t about to go down without a fight. I expected Brighton to either come to me frightened or join in, influenced by his brother. Shockingly enough he sat down and watched the whole male dominance showdown calmly. I couldn’t believe it.

The most incredible thing about the whole thing was that the guy that brought the husky wasn’t disciplining it at all. Unless you count holding the leash, which I don’t. Britney and Ross were apologizing profusely and trying to get Havoc to stop barking, but this guy wasn’t doing anything. His dog was the aggressive one, and no wonder- the guy lets him be. Don’t bring your dog to the park if you know he’s aggressive and don’t plan on changing it!

That was our cue to bow out. The boys didn’t get much time to romp, but we could see the guy wasn’t interested in stopping his dog either. I’m glad we took them though, and am excited to go back.

Celebrating Feb 1

Along comes Thanksgiving. And thus opens a gauntlet of celebration. Next comes Christmas, a week later is New Years, two weeks later is my birthday, two weeks later is Jordan's birthday, two weeks later is Valentines Day. During this time of year I feel like I'm in a constant state of celebration and tom foolery.
BUT yesterday I didn't have a single thing to celebrate (or so I thought), and it felt like I should. So, in my heart I celebrated Feb 1. Yay, February 1!!! And what a day to celebrate. On this day the following events occurred throughout history:

1327-Edward III is crowned the King of England. For whatever that was worth; Since he was still a teenager, England was really ruled by his mom. See how history repeats itself? Momma is always in control.

1861- Texas succeeds from the (not so) United States during the Civil War. Not that it lasted, Texas can't be mad at America for long.

1865- President Abraham Lincoln signs the 13th Amendment to the US Constitution. Go Honest Abe. I'm totally going to date him in the afterlife. Shhh, he doesn't know this yet.

1920- The Royal Canadian Mounted Police a.k.a. Mounties begins operations. And what a joy they have been in our lives.

While that is grand and all, what you really care about is:

2004-Janet Jackson flashes her lady lump during the half time show of the Super Bowl. Thus forever changing the phrase wardrobe malfunction. Thanks Janet, we owe ya one.

And all I really care about is:

2010-Maggie Mae (best friend extraordinaire and notorious picky eater) finally tells me that she found something at Cafe Rio she finds worthy of consumption.

This day will go down in history. To celebrate the momentous occasion we went to Cafe Rio! You can't tell me you're surprised that's how I chose to celebrate, right? We then skipped over to our condo and played some serious Mario, ate some delightful chocolate, sat on my dog (you know who you are), shook my cat to get her to yodel (I know who I am) and exhausted our laughing muscles.

Yes, February 1st is a great day indeed.

My New Favorite

Well, Golly-I have a new love in my life. And it's spouse approved, so who can argue with that? This love goes by the name of Talk2TheTrees.

Going to this site makes my heart ache 'cause I want nearly everything there. I've become a bit of a headband addict in my later years, and this does not heal my addiction.

I got this little gem:

It's lightweight, it doesn't make perma-dents behind my ears and it's oh so delightful to the eyes. It's all I can do not to wear it every day.

I figured once I got my beloved peacock headband I would be good to go, but . . . then I saw the other feathered headbands. They're delicious.

I can hardly decide which one I want more.

You just can't deny the fantastic-ness.

While I am biased towards the headband, she has tons of delightful stuff like cute pixie hats, beanies, essential Valentines decor, and art. And all at good prices. What's not to love? Thus I am smitten.

On a completely unrelated note: Aren't Thursdays just the best? Oh, and today is Jordan's birthday, and it's the anniversary of the challenger exploding. OR as Jordan explained in an epic storytelling- "Jan 28 1986 was a day of rejoice and great tragedy; a life began . . . and lives were taken." (it's really better to hear that in Jordan's James Earl Jones wannabe storyteller voice)

But mostly, it's Jordan's birthday.

Do you mind if I put your on hold while I scrape my brain off the floor?

Once upon a time I held a different position here at the sunny company of a.com. In this position I took calls from the customer service agents that either didn't know what to do in a given situation, or needed an exception made. I also took escalated calls from the most irate people on the planet. This position has been called the following; supervisor, escalation, and executive office. I loved my job, but now I have a better job. One that doesn't require me to ever deal with stupid people. I now look back upon those days and think the position title should have been a bucket for people to piss in.

Once a month my old team holds a meeting that requires the entire team. As they cannot leave the phones unmanned, my old manager (to protect his identity we'll call him Smaaron) asks me to cover for them, as I already know what I'm doing. Sure, why not? Smaaron is a good guy, he gave me that job, and then gave it to me again when I left the team previously, and then gave me a glowing recommendation that may or may not have helped me get the position I have now, so sure- I'll help you out!

That was about 7 months ago, and each month I spend an hour on the phones it becomes increasingly more frustrating than the last as I slowly forget everything my old job entails. Here I am, this very moment, headset perched precariously on my soon-to-explode head. My first call was an escalated call from a guy that already thought we were a bunch of retards that don't know what we're doing. Gosh, I hope I don't encourage that notion. The agent that transferred him over wasn't able to find his account. I used to secretly get annoyed at agents that couldn't find customer's accounts 'cause there are all sorts of different ways you can find them. I couldn't find this guy's account for the life of me; I couldn't remember all of my little tricks and I no longer have access to any of the resources I once did. I couldn't remember our fax number (I haven't had to have anything faxed to me since I left that team) and I couldn't even remember my own extension. Yes, it was a proud moment for me. I told him we'd research this further and call him back. In case you're curious- I will not be that individual that calls him back.

Every agent that calls in that worked here when I was on that team always makes a comment along the lines of "My, BreAnn, I haven't talked to you in forever. I thought you got promoted, didn't that work out for you?". It's mighty old having to explain multiple times that I wasn't demoted, but am simply helping out the ol' sluggers while they're in a meeting.

Meanwhile, there was another girl that was supposed to be helping me cover the phones as well. Detect a hint of bitterness, perhaps? That's because it's there. I can see this {insert derogatory term here}'s desk from my desk. This {insert offensive slur here} wasn't at her desk the entire time! I was about to get all {insert verb that will most likely be an over-reaction here} on her {insert body part that won't appreciate the previous verb here} when my old team got out of their meeting and Smaaron relieved me. You didn't think you were going to be playing Mad-Libs when you came to my blog today, did you?

So, I think the only knowledge I have retained from my old position is "Hi, this is BreAnn" and "Thanks for calling!" Everything in between is gone. I told Smaaron that I don't remember anything. He laughed and I'm pretty sure he thought I was kidding. I guess next month I will really have to piss a customer off to get the point across.

Aerobics from Hell

A couple days ago my Visiting Teacher invited me to go to a strength training class at the Orem Rec Center. Jordan got me a treadmill for Christmas, so I was getting my cardio in, but I thought that adding strength training would be nice, so why not? I could maybe even gain a friend, and lose a few in the process. Pounds, that is. In no way did I foresee my going to the gym would cause me to lose friends.

We walked into the Rec Center and I started steering toward the weight room, when VT lady starts going to the aerobics room. Um, what, now? I specifically heard the words "strength, weights, and training", never was aerobic uttered. I stomp up the stairs dreadfully and I can already hear music that should only be allowed in Russian rave clubs. We were a little late, so we walk into the room to an aerobics class in full swing, skinny girls everywhere dancing around with exercise balls. This is my own personal hell.

It's too late to run out screaming, plus VT lady drove. So, it seems there is no escape for me. I get my own jolly exercise ball and join in the festivities, as all the girls act as though it is cinco de mayo up in here. Unfortunately, the only spot left was right in front of the open door. Awesome. The class was lead by The Terminator, a rock hard lady with a Portuguese-esque accent, and she was ruthless.

I had the following thoughts throughout class:


This lady is a werewolf.
She wants me to do what, now?
I will find this lady and kill her in her sleep.
CRAMP!
Oh gosh, I've been here five minutes and I'm going to throw up!
This lady is evil.
Is this my VT lady's idea of fellowshipping?!
This lady is a machine, maybe she doesn't know we aren't either.
Did I just hear that skinny chick next to me is pregnant?! She is kicking my trash! Pregnant lady is as machine-like as workout lady!
If this lady has kids, I will make them watch while I kill her in her sleep.
CRAMP!
I can't feel my legs anymore! Do I even have legs?! (look down) Yeah, they're there all right.
Ok, I got this! I got this! I DON'T GOT THIS!
I'm going to have to thank VT lady for bringing me here!
I'll never forgive VT lady for bringing me here!!!
Hey, this isn't so bad, I can do this!
I should have gotten a heavier weight, this is too easy (rep set 1)
Bloody hell, I can't feel my arms now either! Should have gotten a lighter one! (rep set 3)
CRAMP!
Hmm, I almost dropped the weight on my face, that would have been embarrassing. Oh, and painful too.
I could totally do this again
I am burning down the building
This lady is very bouncy
Why is she wearing rainbow socks? Why would anyone wear rainbow socks?
Man, I'm excited about Survivor starting up
This lady is part vampire, part cat, part bully
The devil got it on with this lady's mom and produced this creature bouncing in front of the class.
I so deserve Cafe Rio for this
Am I the only one with rivulets of sweat running down my face?
Did she just lose her accent?! She just lost her accent! That was scarier than her accent in the first place!
This class better only be an hour long, it's been 50 minutes and she shows zero signs of letting up
She wants me to grab my foot? Do I loooook like I can grab my foot?!
Oh, cool- there is a crowd gathered at the door to watch, this couldn't get any better
I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!! I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!
(sniff) yeah, I could totally do that next week

The best part though, is that this lady came in right as it was done and starting asking me questions about the class and about the stuff that we do and do we "do a lot of jumping?". Really, honestly- Do I look like I'm an expert on the class? I told her it was my first time, and she should talk to the teacher, who could give her more info. She continued to grill me. She overlooked the class and said "I think I would be the oldest person here", I said so? What does that matter? She continued to look worried, "It looks like some of those ladies dye their roots to cover gray hair, but I would still be the oldest." Is this lady for real?! I said "So, I'm the fattest, what does that matter?!" I literally told this lady four (yes, four) times to just talk to the teacher 'cause I can't answer her questions before I just walked away while she was still talking. Rude, yes, but really, she wasn't listening to a word I said anyway. She kept talking to me while I walked clear across to the other side of the room to put my equipment away. A little dense.

SO, that was me popping my aerobics cherry.

Oh, and today is my birthday. And Martin Luther King Jr's. So there's that.