The Big Fix

Brighton was fixed on Friday. And now . . . a moment of silence for his balls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Thank you.

I dropped him off before going in to work and as they were taking him back they checked his teeth. They said that his baby teeth didn’t fall out on their own, and when that happens the normal teeth grown in behind the baby teeth and the normal ones rot out. Which I can only imagine is less than fun. So they said they had to pull all his baby teeth too.

No balls, and now this? Poor slugger, he was really in for a rough day.

I went to pick him up and there was another puppy there that had gotten fixed and he was running around excited and loving his new life as a neutered puppy. I took that as a good sign, maybe Brighton won’t be in much pain. I brought in a carrier to take him home in, and she took the carrier into the back to load him up. I peeked into the carrier, excited to see my boy, and he was shaking, had thrown up on himself, shedding tears for the sires he’ll never have, was wet where they tried to clean him up, and was drooling blood, and subsequently his once white mustache was red.

I took him home and subjected him to The Cone. This wasn’t a cone I have seen before and it took me forever to figure out how to put it together. Forcing poor groggy Boy to sit there as I kept putting it on and taking off and putting it on again until I got it right.

We then watched the Olympics together, and I administered some serious TLC while he sat in my lap for two hours without moving a muscle, and me not moving mine so as not to jostle him. That’s how I knew he was miserable, he usually can’t sit in one place for very long before he has to get up and move to another spot, even if it’s a foot away.

I think he may have given up the will to live at this point.

Don't worry, this story has a happy ending. A couple hours later he finally got around to moving a little and by that evening he was in full spirits, although none too happy about having the cone on.

Another Post About My Impending Doom

The Sunday before last my car's transmission went out, so I have been without a car. Jordan and I have been juggling his car trying to make it work to get both of us to work and other various activities. It has been less than fun. What has worked best is for me to drive Jordan to work and then go to work myself, and then pick him up after I get off.
What I find absolutely remarkable is the crappiness of Jordan's car in relation to the amount of complaining he does about his car. Let me be more specific; he does zero complaining, and his car is an 8 on the crap-o-meter. Sure, it looks fine (as in "meh") on the outside, but the idea of having to drive it on the freeway scares the poo out of me, trying to go up a hill guarantees honks from those behind you as it has little to no "get-up-and-go" (rhyme!) and what I had no idea of until recently is it completely dies if you idle, go slow, or think bad thoughts about Britney Spears.

I learned this little fact when I was pulling up at Jordan's work and all of a sudden the steering went out and I couldn't turn the wheel. I was confused and convinced I had broken his car when he calmly explained that it had died. Maybe this is the car that should be in the shop, since mine appeared to be in better condition sans transmission. (Rhyme!)

I fully explored the joys of this feature when I started to pull out onto State Street and it died while I was pulling into traffic. Let's have a conversation about the adrenaline boost I got; I had to throw that puppy in park, start it back up, put it back in drive and peel out before the car dying became the least of my concerns. I've had this happen a couple times, and I asked Jordan this morning if the car ever died on him while he was pulling into traffic. He said no, and my worst fears were confirmed -The car was out to get me.

I've had this theory for a while.

From the time he got that car whenever I tried to eject a CD from the stereo, it wouldn't work. It would just rudely buzz and ignore me. But Jordan had never ever had a problem ejecting a CD, but any time I tried, it wouldn't work. I began to get the feeling that his car was jealous of the Mrs. and wanted Jordan to herself.

I have been without a car for over a week now, and every time I get in Jordan's car I'm convinced this is the day the car will die while I'm pulling into traffic and I will be struck on the driver's side by a semi hauling logs.

BUT, on the plus side, I do get to come home to this face every day:

I Won't Say I'm Bitter, I'll Just Strongly Imply It

Skullcandy is NOT a delicious treat for my skull.

Jordan got me some new headphones for Christmas, which I desperately needed 'cause he left my old ones on the floor and our puppies graciously ate them. And I cannot work without music. . . ok, I can (technically), I just choose not to.

I cracked my new Skullcandy (pun intended) headphones out excitedly and tossed out my old barely working headphones. This is exciting. Two days later, I felt the most peculiar and painful thing in my ear. My new head phones were shocking me!

"Did I just read that right?" You may be thinking, "Shocking, as in electrocuting?!"

Yes, my dear and concerned friend, you read that right. My earbuds were shocking the poo out of my inner ear. I thought I had imagined it, and passed it off as a slight bit of crazy on my part. Then, five minutes later, the shocking returned, more intense than before and I ripped them out of my ears in panic, and it continued to shock my hand.

Needless to say, I was livid.

I wrote Skullcandy a scathing email, to which they ignored. Can't say I'm surprised. Not wanting to waste money and a perfectly thought out Christmas gift, I continued to use my earbuds warily. I suppose I could have taken them back, but I didn't have a receipt, or know where Jordan got them. When I told him they shocked me, he looked at me like I had lost my mind, and told me that was impossible; they wouldn't sell electrocuty earbuds. Why would I lie about an inner ear electrocution?

I learned not to turn my head sharply, but despite my efforts I was electrocuted multiple times.

Then the dumb thing started falling apart! Angry, so angry.

You give me a product that not only takes away my precious brain cells, but it can't even stay in one peice? The little rubbery thing that goes around the rim comes off both ear buds about every hour on the hour, and I have to reattach it, and now the mesh cover is popping off. Did they glue this thing together with boogers?!

They could have just replaced my headphones, but I guess they prefer to ignore their customers instead.

Well played Skullcandy, well played.

In a completely unrelated note: I was getting ready for work this morning, and my gato Kea jumped up onto the bathroom counter and bit my nose. It hurt . . . it hurt bad.

I Was Convinced I Was Dead

Last year I went snowshoeing. Last year I was out of shape. Last year it was ridiculously difficult and exhausting. Last year I had a grand ol' time.

This year I went snowshoeing. This year I was in worse shape. This year it was even more difficult and exhausting. So, if I were to follow the pattern, would I say that I had even more fun this year?

Uh, sure. Let's say that.

I went with my brother Jeff, my sister Brit and her husband Ross. We were planning on going up Provo Canyon to the back of Timp, but when my mom heard where we were going she was convinced we were going to encounter an avalanche and stated "My heart just can't take that." So, to ease her heart we went up AF canyon instead, and did the Alpine Loop. I don't really see the difference, but hey, if I just tacked a little extra time on that ticker of hers, then great.

The thing about snowshoeing is you never know how to plan. You want to dress warmly, but then after you get going you're sweating up a storm, and I never know how to balance it out between not wanting to dress too warm, or not warm enough. So, I always dress too warm to stay on the safe side, and then end up roasting. I have the same problem with skiing, you don't know if all of a sudden it's going to get windy and cold, so I always pack for an end-of-the-world blizzard.

It was apparent I was over dressed a good three minutes into the trail and I was already dying. My lack of fitness also factored in immediately and I told the others to go on ahead. Brit and Ross passed me, but Jeff stayed behind me saying he was going to make sure I kept up a good pace. He was worse than Brazilian aerobics lady. He threatened me, he prodded me with ski poles, he encouraged me, he told me there was a conveyor belt juuuuuuust up the trail, which I later found to be a bold faced lie.

It was great to have the company, though I'm sure he'd rather have a faster speed than I was capable of. And although I was confident I could have vomited blood at any given second, it was great and I'm ready to go back. The scenery is always beautiful, with the trees all covered in snow.

SO, I just realized that I had posted about my snowshoeing trip last year. AND that post is about the exact same as this one, even down to some particular phrases and complaining about my inability to dress appropriately. Wow, apparently I severely lack originality and creativity. Well, we went on the same trail this year as we did last year, so if you want to see some gorgeous pictures, and possibly read some repetition, click here.

Conversations

I've come to the realization that we sometimes have peculiar conversations:



Bre: "Where's Kea's collar?"

Jordan: "It's off foxtrotting."

Bre: "It sure loves to foxtrot."

Jordan: "It's found another collar it admires."

Bre: "Ah, and it's wooing it with a foxtrot."

********

Nick: "What're you watching, is that To Catch a Predator?"

Maggie: "Umm, that's The Bachelor."

Jordan: "Uh, I don't see the difference."


********


Jordan: "You're going to break the couch."

Bre: "Scuze me?"

Jordan: "You're not supposed to sit on the arm of the couch, it'll break."

Bre: "Oh, I didn't realize there was an Idiot's Guide to Couch-Sitting handbook."

Jordan: "There is, and it's on the first page."

Bre: "I would think the first page would be the Table of Contents."

Jordan: "No, 'cause it's only one page."


********
Once upon a time Jordan and I went to the new movie theater behind the University Mall. It was quite a busy night and parking was bad. Miraculously, we came upon a golden parking spot up front, and for some reason it was closer than all of the handicapped spots. Jordan was worried that he would get towed anyway, and was convinced there is no way he should be able to park closer than the handicapped spots. So he passed up the parking spot, and I watched the guy behind us take it, and we had to park far away and hike in the cold. I never let him live it down.

Another day we went and this spot was open again.

Bre: "Park there and redeem yourself!"

Jordan: "I can't, it doesn't make sense!"

Bre: "PARK there and REDEEM yourself!"

Jordan: "I'll get towed."

Bre "PARK THERE! REDEEM YOURSELF!"

Jordan: "It's illegal."

Bre: "PARK THERE AND REDEEM YOURSELF!!!!!"

Jordan mercifully pulls into this blessed spot;

Jordan: "I REDEEMED MYSELF!!!!"

Bre: "YOU REDEEMED YOURSELF!!!"

***After the movie***

Bre: "My, what a delicious parking spot."

Jordan: "I redeemed myself."

********

Dog Park

 I decided to take Brighton to the dog park. Before you feel bad that Belly (aka Bella) was left behind, may I remind you that her size makes her the perfect candidate to get eaten or mistaken for poo and stepped on.

I was nervous for the boy. While he looks like an old man, he is indeed a mere pup at the ripe age of five months, and (much to my chagrin) hasn’t met other dogs before besides Bila (aka Bella) and his brother Havoc. I was afraid of how he was going to react to other creatures that were bigger than him. My sister also told me there was a husky there that liked to attack the newcomer dogs. Ah, so something to look forward to, is that what you’re saying?

I went with my sister, Britney and her husband Ross, who brought her dog Havoc, so Brighton could have the moral support of his bro. We pulled up and we were the only ones there. That’s all well and good, I was a little relieved that Boy could run around in a huge fenced in area to his tiny heart’s content, and without the worry of other possibly aggressive dogs. I told Brighton to go play, and he promptly squatted and released the largest amount of poo I have ever seen. I was horrified. This meant that I got to carry his poop in a baggie for the rest of the afternoon, he really wasted no time in relieving his bowels. Thanks buddy.

Much much lighter he took off running with Havoc and discovered some horses that were in a pasture next to the park. Here was his first large mammal test. While Havoc expressed his curiosity with a understandably massive amount of barking, Brighton stuck his nose through the fence and just sniffed and stared. Now we know he is not intimidated or aggressive with large animals through fences, but what I really needed to know was how he handled bigger dogs.

And we just got our chance; a cute terrier showed up, and while she wasn’t huge she was still probably twice the size of Boy. He took it like a man; he let her sniff him, and then sniffed her back and they were good. Then this ridiculously adorable beagle and giant Dachshund prance up, and we get to see how he handles big ol’ creatures, and multiple ones at that.

Let’s have an honest moment: I had to desperately fight the urge to pick him up and get him away from the other dogs. But I didn’t want to be that girl and more importantly I didn’t want Boy to be that dog that is always looking for reassurance and protection. He needed to stand on his own two feet, um four paws, I mean. He handled it like a champ. He was calm, butt-sniffs were shared all around and I relaxed. . . for about 30 seconds.

Just then a guy brings over a leashed husky. The “I like to pick on new dogs” husky. Oh, what a coincidence, Brighton just happened to be a new dog to the park. He was a gorgeous animal without a doubt, but his bared fangs really ruined it for me. He was also the largest dog there, and desperately tugging at the leash trying to get at the other dogs. The urge to pick Brighton up and get away from there intensified. As much as it sucked I stayed away from Brighton, and watched his reaction like a hawk and tried to remember everything Cesar Milan has ever said about exuding a calm attitude.

The husky kept lunging toward Havoc, and Havoc barked like crazy, letting the husky know he wasn’t about to go down without a fight. I expected Brighton to either come to me frightened or join in, influenced by his brother. Shockingly enough he sat down and watched the whole male dominance showdown calmly. I couldn’t believe it.

The most incredible thing about the whole thing was that the guy that brought the husky wasn’t disciplining it at all. Unless you count holding the leash, which I don’t. Britney and Ross were apologizing profusely and trying to get Havoc to stop barking, but this guy wasn’t doing anything. His dog was the aggressive one, and no wonder- the guy lets him be. Don’t bring your dog to the park if you know he’s aggressive and don’t plan on changing it!

That was our cue to bow out. The boys didn’t get much time to romp, but we could see the guy wasn’t interested in stopping his dog either. I’m glad we took them though, and am excited to go back.

Celebrating Feb 1

Along comes Thanksgiving. And thus opens a gauntlet of celebration. Next comes Christmas, a week later is New Years, two weeks later is my birthday, two weeks later is Jordan's birthday, two weeks later is Valentines Day. During this time of year I feel like I'm in a constant state of celebration and tom foolery.
BUT yesterday I didn't have a single thing to celebrate (or so I thought), and it felt like I should. So, in my heart I celebrated Feb 1. Yay, February 1!!! And what a day to celebrate. On this day the following events occurred throughout history:

1327-Edward III is crowned the King of England. For whatever that was worth; Since he was still a teenager, England was really ruled by his mom. See how history repeats itself? Momma is always in control.

1861- Texas succeeds from the (not so) United States during the Civil War. Not that it lasted, Texas can't be mad at America for long.

1865- President Abraham Lincoln signs the 13th Amendment to the US Constitution. Go Honest Abe. I'm totally going to date him in the afterlife. Shhh, he doesn't know this yet.

1920- The Royal Canadian Mounted Police a.k.a. Mounties begins operations. And what a joy they have been in our lives.

While that is grand and all, what you really care about is:

2004-Janet Jackson flashes her lady lump during the half time show of the Super Bowl. Thus forever changing the phrase wardrobe malfunction. Thanks Janet, we owe ya one.

And all I really care about is:

2010-Maggie Mae (best friend extraordinaire and notorious picky eater) finally tells me that she found something at Cafe Rio she finds worthy of consumption.

This day will go down in history. To celebrate the momentous occasion we went to Cafe Rio! You can't tell me you're surprised that's how I chose to celebrate, right? We then skipped over to our condo and played some serious Mario, ate some delightful chocolate, sat on my dog (you know who you are), shook my cat to get her to yodel (I know who I am) and exhausted our laughing muscles.

Yes, February 1st is a great day indeed.