Aerobics from Hell

A couple days ago my Visiting Teacher invited me to go to a strength training class at the Orem Rec Center. Jordan got me a treadmill for Christmas, so I was getting my cardio in, but I thought that adding strength training would be nice, so why not? I could maybe even gain a friend, and lose a few in the process. Pounds, that is. In no way did I foresee my going to the gym would cause me to lose friends.

We walked into the Rec Center and I started steering toward the weight room, when VT lady starts going to the aerobics room. Um, what, now? I specifically heard the words "strength, weights, and training", never was aerobic uttered. I stomp up the stairs dreadfully and I can already hear music that should only be allowed in Russian rave clubs. We were a little late, so we walk into the room to an aerobics class in full swing, skinny girls everywhere dancing around with exercise balls. This is my own personal hell.

It's too late to run out screaming, plus VT lady drove. So, it seems there is no escape for me. I get my own jolly exercise ball and join in the festivities, as all the girls act as though it is cinco de mayo up in here. Unfortunately, the only spot left was right in front of the open door. Awesome. The class was lead by The Terminator, a rock hard lady with a Portuguese-esque accent, and she was ruthless.

I had the following thoughts throughout class:


This lady is a werewolf.
She wants me to do what, now?
I will find this lady and kill her in her sleep.
CRAMP!
Oh gosh, I've been here five minutes and I'm going to throw up!
This lady is evil.
Is this my VT lady's idea of fellowshipping?!
This lady is a machine, maybe she doesn't know we aren't either.
Did I just hear that skinny chick next to me is pregnant?! She is kicking my trash! Pregnant lady is as machine-like as workout lady!
If this lady has kids, I will make them watch while I kill her in her sleep.
CRAMP!
I can't feel my legs anymore! Do I even have legs?! (look down) Yeah, they're there all right.
Ok, I got this! I got this! I DON'T GOT THIS!
I'm going to have to thank VT lady for bringing me here!
I'll never forgive VT lady for bringing me here!!!
Hey, this isn't so bad, I can do this!
I should have gotten a heavier weight, this is too easy (rep set 1)
Bloody hell, I can't feel my arms now either! Should have gotten a lighter one! (rep set 3)
CRAMP!
Hmm, I almost dropped the weight on my face, that would have been embarrassing. Oh, and painful too.
I could totally do this again
I am burning down the building
This lady is very bouncy
Why is she wearing rainbow socks? Why would anyone wear rainbow socks?
Man, I'm excited about Survivor starting up
This lady is part vampire, part cat, part bully
The devil got it on with this lady's mom and produced this creature bouncing in front of the class.
I so deserve Cafe Rio for this
Am I the only one with rivulets of sweat running down my face?
Did she just lose her accent?! She just lost her accent! That was scarier than her accent in the first place!
This class better only be an hour long, it's been 50 minutes and she shows zero signs of letting up
She wants me to grab my foot? Do I loooook like I can grab my foot?!
Oh, cool- there is a crowd gathered at the door to watch, this couldn't get any better
I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!! I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!!
(sniff) yeah, I could totally do that next week

The best part though, is that this lady came in right as it was done and starting asking me questions about the class and about the stuff that we do and do we "do a lot of jumping?". Really, honestly- Do I look like I'm an expert on the class? I told her it was my first time, and she should talk to the teacher, who could give her more info. She continued to grill me. She overlooked the class and said "I think I would be the oldest person here", I said so? What does that matter? She continued to look worried, "It looks like some of those ladies dye their roots to cover gray hair, but I would still be the oldest." Is this lady for real?! I said "So, I'm the fattest, what does that matter?!" I literally told this lady four (yes, four) times to just talk to the teacher 'cause I can't answer her questions before I just walked away while she was still talking. Rude, yes, but really, she wasn't listening to a word I said anyway. She kept talking to me while I walked clear across to the other side of the room to put my equipment away. A little dense.

SO, that was me popping my aerobics cherry.

Oh, and today is my birthday. And Martin Luther King Jr's. So there's that.