A story of two gals and 14 donuts

Admittedly, I have fallen off the blogger wagon. I feel like a slacker, and the thought of having to play catch up only fueled my procrastination. So, I'm not going to recap the last couple months. Let's be honest; No one likes/reads those massive long blog posts that rehash everything you did in the months since you last blogged.

That is my gift to you.  Now it's time for a story.

Once upon a time...today, more specifically...My coworker and I decided it was important to support local businesses.  Of course, the best way to do this is to make a purchase.

Basically, we wanted donuts.

We drove to Krispy Kreme all a-twitter with the excitement of the sugary delights to come.  Once inside we were assaulted by the sickly sweet smell of fried dough and dripping fresh frosting. It was little overwhelming and my memory got a little hazy after that.

We ordered a dozen glazed donuts.  To recap, there were only two of us, and we ordered a dozen.  Why would we do that?  Couldn't tell you; like I said my memory is fuzzy and filled with the cloud of a contact sugar high.

As we were about to leave, a KK employee asked if we would like a sample. This seemed pretty silly to me because we already bought a dozen, it's not like they needed to sell us on their product.  We had already committed ourselves to a donut binge.  The absolute last thing we needed was another donut.

Naturally, I said I would love a sample.  Again, I have zero reasoning behind this, and am convinced Krispy Kreme slips mild narcotics into the air systems.

Said sample was so fresh it burned my lip as I bit into it.  I have never been so OK with being burned as I was in that moment.  After polishing the donut off in the car regret began to sink in as the high faded.  I started to realize what had transpired; we purchased a dozen donuts, received 14 and there were still 12 left.  I was already sick off the first one, and the thought of eating any more made my stomach churn.

After I finished the second donut my self-esteem took a plummet, and I began to question every decision I had made past 10:00 AM.  Luckily, common sense began to make its way back into my sugar-addled brain.

And that's the story of why a dozen of my coworkers got a donut, courtesy of my sugar-instigated fugue state.

The End.

The World's Most Awkward Conversation

At the Subway Drive Thru window:

Employee: "Hi, how're you?"

Bre: "Uh, good.  And you?"

Employee: "Your total is $8.00"

I hand him my card, he stops in the middle of taking it from me.

Employee: "Oh, I'm good.  Having a good day."

Bre: "Well, good.  That's good."

"Employee: "Here's your sandwich."

Bre: "Thank you."

Employee: "And this is your drink."

Bre: "Thank you."

Employee: "Have a good night!"

Bre: "Thanks, you too." 

And I prepare to pull out.  Suddenly, he leans out the window.

Employee: "Looks like it's going to rain."

Bre: "Oh...really?"

Employee:  "Just look at those clouds, I think it's going to rain.  It's dark."

Bre: "Uh huh....Ok, bye!"

Employee: "See ya!"

And then I high-tailed it out of there.

Redemption Is MINE!

Today me and a bunch of coworkers went back to the Habitat for Humanity house for more team-building and volunteer work.  I was not looking forward to it after my last experience a mere three weeks ago.  If you're confused and would like to not be, you can read about it by clicking...here.

Now that you're all caught up, and fully understand why I was dreading a return visit, I'll continue with my story.

I spent some time trying to think of a good reason not to go, but couldn't find anything reasonable or believable and found myself once more on the build site.  I felt it was important to prove myself not completely incompetent and got right to work.  I was mainly able to do so because all there was to do at first was haul wood from the living room to outside, and any idiot could do that.

Then I got my assignment, and I'm not even sure how it landed in my lap, not if I would be able to pull it off.  I was told to build the windowsills and moldings.  Sounds complicated?  That's because it was.  I almost laughed when the foreman was giving instructions 'cause I couldn't believe he really expected me to be able to accomplish such a task.  It was a process with many many steps, involving four different kinds of saws and a nail gun.  And they let me play with power tools, even after the last time.

I had to measure the window, adding a bit for the lip, then cut a board to fit, saw around the lip, and nail the sucker down.  Then measure, cut and nail in the molding.  Considering I couldn't even measure right last time this is extra impressive.  I did six windows in total in the four hours that we were there.

I am freaking Bob Villa.  I'm considering starting my own home improvement show, with the only topic of building window sills and molding, 'cause that's all that I can do.  But I can make the crap out of them.  I am now convinced I should go into construction because I fancy myself a full on carpenter.

I should have taken a picture so you could really get the full effect, but didn't want to look like a dork taking a picture of (the world's best-fashioned) window sills.  Though, I suppose it's no less dorky to blog about making window sills...

It's safe to say I've redeemed myself, and can now show mysefl at Habitat for Humanity.  Can, but probably won't.  I think I've had my fill this year.

Where's The Humanity?

Today me and a couple coworkers went to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity as a team building exercise.  I felt pretty good about it because:

       1. I was still on the clock.
       2. I wasn't at work.
       3. I was doing charity.

I hate to admit, but that is in order with the happiest on the top.  I love helping other people, but unfortunately getting a paycheck out ranks that.

Ready to jump in and help out, I then came to the realization that I have zero knowledge on how to do anything regarding building a house.  I remembered the time where it took Jordan and I several hours to install an overhead fan in the living room.  And when I say "Jordan and I",  I really mean Jordan.

Yet, I felt confident there would be a place for me, something I could do to contribute, and possibly learn a skill.  Then I found out that we were going to be putting siding on a house.  (Excuse me while I blow the sawdust out of my nose...)

Basically the two jobs that were needed and available was to either climb up onto the second story of some very untrustworthy looking scaffolding to nail in the siding, or cut the wooden siding to specific sizes to fit around windows and what not.

I might have made a statement that I would rather die than climb up the rickety scaffolding, which is what probably would have happened had I attempted it.  So, I was to find a job while earth-bound.  Partnering up with a very nice and patient man, he suggested that I measure and mark the siding boards, and he would cut them. 

Sure.

I tried to make the first measurement, while he hung over my shoulder most apprehensively.  The measurement was 44 1/8.  When I pointed at a hash mark asked if that was right it must not have been because he suggested that he measure, and I cut.

Sure. 

I wanted to giggle that he was actually letting me operate a power saw, but thought that might not instill any more faith in my competency.  He instructed me on how to use the saw, and kept saying crazy things like, "Get your fingers away from the blade!".  I made my first shaky cut, then stopped, worried that I was doing it wrong.  He very patiently reiterated his instructions, and I was on my way.  I cut the crap out of that board.  But, I don't think I cut it the right length 'cause they sent it back to us saying it was too long.  Better too long than too short, I said confidently and we he remeasured.  I made another cut- less shaky, more straight and was so proud.  But then I heard someone from the scaffolding say, "This board is cut crappy."  I offered to let my partner give it a go, but he insisted I try again.  Bless his heart.  When it came back again still just a hair too short, I told the guy to go ahead and shave the excess off, saying I had faith that this board would be right if he were to cut it.  He graciously suggested that he could measure and cut if I would be so kind as to take the cut boards and toss them up to the guys on the scaffolding.

Sure.

I was doing ok with the long pieces that I could just hold up vertically and the scaffolding guys could reach down and grab, but then it took me six tries to toss the smaller boards high enough and accurately enough so the guy on the scaffolding could catch it, without dying at least.

After I messed up every job that I figured it was time for a lengthy water break and to get reacquainted with my kindle.  No one was complaining, that was for sure.  It's actually reaffirming that yes, I belong at a desk 'cause there is no way I would be able to hack it in construction.

I'm excited that my boss signed us up to go back in a couple weeks.

How To Survive an Alien Attack

Recently I have had four very vivid dreams about aliens attacking us.  One was scary, the second a coincidence and after the third I was convinced that these dreams were sent to me directly from the aliens themselves.  I believe they are testing out their methods of invasion on the human subconscious, to see how we might react when they invade.

Of course, their plan has backfired as now I know all their secrets and am fully prepared for an attack.  Because I care deeply about the human race, and its subsequent survival, I will share with you how to survive when the aliens come.

When you see the giant mother ship your first intinct is to either stop and stare, or freak out.  Neither of these will help you; they will send out their fighter jets lickity split, and those buggers are fast ya'll.  So gather your loved ones and make it to a safe place quickly.  You're going to want to get home, and I can't blame you 'cause that was what I wanted as well.  But that's what they want you to do.  They line their fighter jets up and down the streets and fire directly into the houses, knowing that's where people seek cover in.  This isn't so bad because they haven't figured out bombs yet, they just shoot large egg-shaped metal chunks, and are essentially punching holes into houses.  To outsmart them all you have to do is lay in your backyard, out in the open.  They don't expect that, and don't look for you there.  If you can build an underground bunker, all the better.

If you don't have a backyard and live in condos or apartments then you're going to have a much different experience.  They let groups of aliens off the ship to go through the apartments and clear them out manually.  You're probably thinking this sounds much worse, but while scary as all get out, you have a pretty good shot at coming through, and I'll tell you why.  They don't use firearms, they use swords.  They also do not fully understand what humans are capable of and are just as scared of us.  That is what's going to save you; they hesitate before attacking and very nervous about it.  Just make your move quickly, attack first and you'll be A-OK 'cause they die pretty easily.  I recommend keeping your own sword by the door of your house to be safe and prepared.

While lacking firearms and missiles, they do employ fireballs.  So have a lot of rootbeer on hand 'cause I learned from one dream that in a pinch rootbeer works great to put out fires, and you can shake it up so when opened the pressurized rootbeer will shoot up to get the higher flames you can't reach.

And the last point to remember is not to hate the individual alien, they are just following orders, and some of them are good chaps.  While they don't successfully take over Earth because we have the best military and were simply no match, some aliens stay behind to live amongst the humans 'cause we are that awesome.

I hope my tutorial has helped, and in the future you're able to survive the alien onslaught.

This guy already has a head start in defeating the alien race.  Way to go, comrade!

ZOO!

Sweet sassy molassy!  I haven't posted in a while, and I have a legitimate and valid excuse for this.

It's called laziness and procrastination.

A couple weeks ago my family and I, which includes my parents, siblings, and their kids, went to the zoo.  We had a grand ol' time.  I have been to the zoo a bunch, and for some reason it never gets old to me. 

After the first exhibit I sat down on a bench waiting for the rest of the family as they gathered the kids up to move on.  A guy came out of the building I was sitting in front of and I thought to myself, "That guy looks like David Boreanaz!  Wait, that is David Boreanaz!"

I watched him walk away before commencing my freak out.  I ran up to my sister and latched onto her arm and tried to use my best inside voice so David couldn't hear me talking about him, and told my sister that David Boreanaz was right over there.  I told my mom and she started to say how cute he is, but then noticed my dad standing right there and instead discreetly waggled her eyebrows at me.  Nice.

We pretty much followed behind him as we moved from exhibit to exhibit, and I tried not to stare.  I didn't want to go bug him since he was trying to have a day off with his family.  But, pictures were discreetly taken.

Here's a delightful little tidbit, in Bones his character is known for wearing funny socks all the time.  And at the zoo he was wearing crazy stripey ones.  Oh, David, you're so silly. 

What a California Dreamboat.

Then we met up with my friend, Maggie, who is a zookeeper and she gave us the VIP treatment and brought out animals for us to see and pet.  

At the end of the day my mom asked the little kids what their favorite part of the day was, and they said Maggie bringing out the animals.  If you asked us big kids, we would say that our favorite part was Maggie telling the kids not in our group that had surrounded us and the animals to go away.  David Boreanaz has nothing on us.

Saucy Little Minx

Someone obviously has daddy issues.