How To Survive an Alien Attack

Recently I have had four very vivid dreams about aliens attacking us.  One was scary, the second a coincidence and after the third I was convinced that these dreams were sent to me directly from the aliens themselves.  I believe they are testing out their methods of invasion on the human subconscious, to see how we might react when they invade.

Of course, their plan has backfired as now I know all their secrets and am fully prepared for an attack.  Because I care deeply about the human race, and its subsequent survival, I will share with you how to survive when the aliens come.

When you see the giant mother ship your first intinct is to either stop and stare, or freak out.  Neither of these will help you; they will send out their fighter jets lickity split, and those buggers are fast ya'll.  So gather your loved ones and make it to a safe place quickly.  You're going to want to get home, and I can't blame you 'cause that was what I wanted as well.  But that's what they want you to do.  They line their fighter jets up and down the streets and fire directly into the houses, knowing that's where people seek cover in.  This isn't so bad because they haven't figured out bombs yet, they just shoot large egg-shaped metal chunks, and are essentially punching holes into houses.  To outsmart them all you have to do is lay in your backyard, out in the open.  They don't expect that, and don't look for you there.  If you can build an underground bunker, all the better.

If you don't have a backyard and live in condos or apartments then you're going to have a much different experience.  They let groups of aliens off the ship to go through the apartments and clear them out manually.  You're probably thinking this sounds much worse, but while scary as all get out, you have a pretty good shot at coming through, and I'll tell you why.  They don't use firearms, they use swords.  They also do not fully understand what humans are capable of and are just as scared of us.  That is what's going to save you; they hesitate before attacking and very nervous about it.  Just make your move quickly, attack first and you'll be A-OK 'cause they die pretty easily.  I recommend keeping your own sword by the door of your house to be safe and prepared.

While lacking firearms and missiles, they do employ fireballs.  So have a lot of rootbeer on hand 'cause I learned from one dream that in a pinch rootbeer works great to put out fires, and you can shake it up so when opened the pressurized rootbeer will shoot up to get the higher flames you can't reach.

And the last point to remember is not to hate the individual alien, they are just following orders, and some of them are good chaps.  While they don't successfully take over Earth because we have the best military and were simply no match, some aliens stay behind to live amongst the humans 'cause we are that awesome.

I hope my tutorial has helped, and in the future you're able to survive the alien onslaught.

This guy already has a head start in defeating the alien race.  Way to go, comrade!