How To Survive an Alien Attack

Recently I have had four very vivid dreams about aliens attacking us.  One was scary, the second a coincidence and after the third I was convinced that these dreams were sent to me directly from the aliens themselves.  I believe they are testing out their methods of invasion on the human subconscious, to see how we might react when they invade.

Of course, their plan has backfired as now I know all their secrets and am fully prepared for an attack.  Because I care deeply about the human race, and its subsequent survival, I will share with you how to survive when the aliens come.

When you see the giant mother ship your first intinct is to either stop and stare, or freak out.  Neither of these will help you; they will send out their fighter jets lickity split, and those buggers are fast ya'll.  So gather your loved ones and make it to a safe place quickly.  You're going to want to get home, and I can't blame you 'cause that was what I wanted as well.  But that's what they want you to do.  They line their fighter jets up and down the streets and fire directly into the houses, knowing that's where people seek cover in.  This isn't so bad because they haven't figured out bombs yet, they just shoot large egg-shaped metal chunks, and are essentially punching holes into houses.  To outsmart them all you have to do is lay in your backyard, out in the open.  They don't expect that, and don't look for you there.  If you can build an underground bunker, all the better.

If you don't have a backyard and live in condos or apartments then you're going to have a much different experience.  They let groups of aliens off the ship to go through the apartments and clear them out manually.  You're probably thinking this sounds much worse, but while scary as all get out, you have a pretty good shot at coming through, and I'll tell you why.  They don't use firearms, they use swords.  They also do not fully understand what humans are capable of and are just as scared of us.  That is what's going to save you; they hesitate before attacking and very nervous about it.  Just make your move quickly, attack first and you'll be A-OK 'cause they die pretty easily.  I recommend keeping your own sword by the door of your house to be safe and prepared.

While lacking firearms and missiles, they do employ fireballs.  So have a lot of rootbeer on hand 'cause I learned from one dream that in a pinch rootbeer works great to put out fires, and you can shake it up so when opened the pressurized rootbeer will shoot up to get the higher flames you can't reach.

And the last point to remember is not to hate the individual alien, they are just following orders, and some of them are good chaps.  While they don't successfully take over Earth because we have the best military and were simply no match, some aliens stay behind to live amongst the humans 'cause we are that awesome.

I hope my tutorial has helped, and in the future you're able to survive the alien onslaught.

This guy already has a head start in defeating the alien race.  Way to go, comrade!

ZOO!

Sweet sassy molassy!  I haven't posted in a while, and I have a legitimate and valid excuse for this.

It's called laziness and procrastination.

A couple weeks ago my family and I, which includes my parents, siblings, and their kids, went to the zoo.  We had a grand ol' time.  I have been to the zoo a bunch, and for some reason it never gets old to me. 

After the first exhibit I sat down on a bench waiting for the rest of the family as they gathered the kids up to move on.  A guy came out of the building I was sitting in front of and I thought to myself, "That guy looks like David Boreanaz!  Wait, that is David Boreanaz!"

I watched him walk away before commencing my freak out.  I ran up to my sister and latched onto her arm and tried to use my best inside voice so David couldn't hear me talking about him, and told my sister that David Boreanaz was right over there.  I told my mom and she started to say how cute he is, but then noticed my dad standing right there and instead discreetly waggled her eyebrows at me.  Nice.

We pretty much followed behind him as we moved from exhibit to exhibit, and I tried not to stare.  I didn't want to go bug him since he was trying to have a day off with his family.  But, pictures were discreetly taken.

Here's a delightful little tidbit, in Bones his character is known for wearing funny socks all the time.  And at the zoo he was wearing crazy stripey ones.  Oh, David, you're so silly. 

What a California Dreamboat.

Then we met up with my friend, Maggie, who is a zookeeper and she gave us the VIP treatment and brought out animals for us to see and pet.  

At the end of the day my mom asked the little kids what their favorite part of the day was, and they said Maggie bringing out the animals.  If you asked us big kids, we would say that our favorite part was Maggie telling the kids not in our group that had surrounded us and the animals to go away.  David Boreanaz has nothing on us.

Saucy Little Minx

Someone obviously has daddy issues.

That One Time I Beat the System

For some odd reason I was thinking about when I used to live in Washington.  I thought about how I became a major hoarder.  Not the kind of hoarder that I would earn me a spot on TLC, but I became a money hoarder.  It was remarkable (for me, at least) how much I had in savings. 

For those of you who don't know the story (I'll try to be quick about it), when I was 19 me and two friends decided we were going to live outside of Utah in the name of adventure and experiencing life outside of happy valley.  Two weeks later I packed whatever I could fit into my little blue Dodge Neon, and with 200 bucks in my back pocket drove to Washington. 

I knew going into it that it was only temporary, I would be coming home once my apartment contract was up in six months.  Always in the back of my mind was the thought that I would be going home eventually, and consequently a deep paranoia set in that I wouldn't have enough money to make it home. 

So, I became a money hoarder.  I took frugal to extremes, counting each cent, and wary of spending anything I saved as if my life depended on it.  'Cause I thought it did.

My friend was working at Blockbuster, and they came out with a new program to buy used DVDs, and we hatched a glorious plan.  It was a many stepped plan, so I hope I can explain this so it makes sense.

1. We went to the dollar store, where I bought 12 DVDs for $12. 

2. Next, we went to Blockbuster, and sold our DVDs.  Because Blockbuster had a guarantee that they would not buy a DVD for less than $5 I got $5-$10 for each of my dollar store DVDs.

3. Blockbuster only gave store credit, so I used the store credit to get the most expensive thing they sold that was brand new, which was a DVD box set of the TV show 24 (in its hey day they were expensive).  I also had store credit left.

4.Next, I took my brand new box set to Walmart, who was selling it for more than Blockbuster was, and returned it for a hefty gift card.  Figuratively hefty, the card actually weighed the same regardless of the amount on the card.

5. Lastly, I bought the box set I was really pining for but was too cheap to buy myself, which was Alias, with Jennifer Gardner.  I also got a CD and had money left over on my gift card.

In those days I knew my way around the Walmart return policy like the back of my hand, and knew how to work the system to get what I wanted.  Though, nothing quite as elaborate at that.  I could liken watching that DVD to the end of Ocean's 11, where they are all watching the Bellagio Fountain.

Just A Theory

Headaches are basically swelling in the brain causing pressure against your skull, right?  And what do you do when any part of your body swells?  You put ice on it to bring the swelling down, yes?  That being the case, wouldn't the perfect solution to a headache be a big fat brain freeze?

So, if you get a headache, eat a sh*t-load of ice cream!

You're welcome, I just cured your headache, and given you a reason to buy a big 'ol carton of your favorite ice cream in the name of medicine.

Note:  I am not doctor, though I feel like all it really takes is a skill with Google.  I did no research on the matter, and have little desire to.  Just like I'm uninterested in hearing if I'm wrong, 'cause you can bet I'm going to be using my next headache as an excuse to enjoy some delicious frozen delights.

Enlarged

I love when a company has to put a little note on their product's packaging to inform us that the photo has been enlarged.

'Cause you know some mofo out there cracked open this bag of cough drops and was pissed to find that it does not contain cough drops the size of a small rodent.

The First Time I Was Pulled Over

My dad was in charge of teaching all six of us kids to drive, and once we had our learner's permit he would take us to a church parking lot to practice before letting us go out on the road.  We had been to the parking lot several times, and I was getting frustrated that he wouldn't let me take it out on the road to do some real people driving.  He wouldn't even let me drive the car home. 

Meanwhile, my older brother, Sbrandon, was letting me drive his truck all over the place whenever I went somewhere with him.  One time he said I could drive his truck only if I promised to not use the brake.  You know, for funsies.  We were up in the foothills hiking, and true to my word we tore down the steep hill to our neighborhood.  I still wonder how we survived that.

Back to the story...

I could hardly believe my ears when my dad told me to go ahead and make a right out of the parking lot.  The neighborhood around this particular church was very suburban and quiet with little traffic, unless you count the kiddies on bikes.  Which is probably why he chose the area. 

I was ecstatic, I was so cool, I was cruising 'round the hood, lookin' fly, rollin' hot 'cause I am driving!  Then I saw lights flashing behind me.  These particular lights were red and blue. 

My heart stopped, my entire body went numb and all coherent thought was lost as a jumble of thoughts ran through my head.

My first time legally driving and I was getting pulled over!
My siblings are never going to let me live this down. 
What if this means I can't get my license? 
Will they take my learner's permit away?
I wasn't even speeding, what did I do wrong?
What do I do?  Is there a special procedure for pulling over?  What if I pull over wrong, then what?!
Why are there so many kids on bikes?  They are clustering around my car!

My dad very calmly talked me through my panic and instructed me to pull over, put it in park and roll my window down.  I managed to do so, but was a nervous wreck.

I could hear him approaching, and could see out of the corner of my eye that he was approaching, but was scared to make eye contact with the long arm of the law.  I finally turned to look at the officer as he came up to my window. . .

It was my brother. 

My oldest brother, Jared, is a Police Officer for San Juan County and was up for something or other, probably training.  He got to my parents' house while we were out driving and apparently couldn't resist finding us, and because my dad took us all to the same spot to practice Jared knew exactly where to look.

The posse of little kids riding their bikes got a good show though.  They saw a girl getting pulled over, then said girl call the officer a jerk and lean out the window to hit the officer.

If you're wondering, the kind officer let me keep my learner's permit.