Public Restroom Woes

There are a large number of no-no's when it comes to public restroom etiquette. I think I need to provide a training course for my coworkers on what this fabled list entails. Somehow I doubt they would appreciate my soapbox, however I'm confident no one at work reads this.  So, I will vent for all to hear um, read.

To the person on the cell phone:  How important can that call really be? You need to evaluate your priorities; do you need to talk on the phone more, or do you really need to pee? You can't, can't do both at the same time. Take your pick, and whichever feels more urgent, that's what you do. Talk about pressure-it's hard enough knowing some other random person can hear me while I do my thing, but I don't need said random person's significant other, bank rep, or roommate to hear me as well.

To the rocket pee people: "What's a 'rocket pee', Bre?" you may be asking. Why, I'll tell you, curious soul. A rocket pee, is when someone is apparently in so much of a hurry to pee that they force it out so fast that they could very well lift off. I used this phrase while describing the phenomenon to my hubby, and darn it all if it doesn't fit perfectly.

Heaven forbid I use a "stop and smell the roses" analogy at this time, as it is wildly inappropriate for the topic. However, I understand you may be in a time crunch with break time diminishing and all, but my thoughts are as follows: Can you really be that desperate to return to work? Let me repeat myself, because it's that big of a point, you are rushing through man's basic need because you want to hurry and why? The only thing waiting for you is work.

To the people that don't wash their hands: I genuinely have nothing to say to you. You are that dumb that I choose not to acknowledge your existence in this world, as I do not wish to talk to your kind for fear that you might touch me.

To those that come to work and do their hair and makeup in the bathroom: The whole point of doing your hair and makeup is so you don't look like a hoodlum in public. You are now in public in all your hoodlum glory, so what's the point? We've already seen you all splotchy so it doesn't really matter. We know what you look like fer reals now. Sure, I like to sleep in as much as possible as well, but what's the difference between being 15 minutes late, and not actually starting work until 15 minutes after 'cause you were in the bathroom primping?

To the individuals that bring their food into the bathroom: You deserve to die. Which is convenient, because that is probably what's going to happen to you with who knows what airborne settling silent and invisible into your Hot Pocket®.

To those that bring their drinks into the bathroom: You probably won't die. Congratulations! However, you're really living life on the edge, you should probably just leave it outside the door. Note: This is only if you have a lid on your drink. If you have an open cup: You're probably going to die, yes. And "lid" in this circumstance cannot be defined by a fountain drink lid with a straw. The straw is definitely the Achilles Heel of your drink, the "who knows what" as discussed previously is tricky and can get down in there.

Now you think I'm a germaphobe, but word on the street is airborne googalies (please don't ask me to define that, just use your imagination) can "leap" up to six feet from your toilet. True story.