Saucy Little Minx

Someone obviously has daddy issues.

That One Time I Beat the System

For some odd reason I was thinking about when I used to live in Washington.  I thought about how I became a major hoarder.  Not the kind of hoarder that I would earn me a spot on TLC, but I became a money hoarder.  It was remarkable (for me, at least) how much I had in savings. 

For those of you who don't know the story (I'll try to be quick about it), when I was 19 me and two friends decided we were going to live outside of Utah in the name of adventure and experiencing life outside of happy valley.  Two weeks later I packed whatever I could fit into my little blue Dodge Neon, and with 200 bucks in my back pocket drove to Washington. 

I knew going into it that it was only temporary, I would be coming home once my apartment contract was up in six months.  Always in the back of my mind was the thought that I would be going home eventually, and consequently a deep paranoia set in that I wouldn't have enough money to make it home. 

So, I became a money hoarder.  I took frugal to extremes, counting each cent, and wary of spending anything I saved as if my life depended on it.  'Cause I thought it did.

My friend was working at Blockbuster, and they came out with a new program to buy used DVDs, and we hatched a glorious plan.  It was a many stepped plan, so I hope I can explain this so it makes sense.

1. We went to the dollar store, where I bought 12 DVDs for $12. 

2. Next, we went to Blockbuster, and sold our DVDs.  Because Blockbuster had a guarantee that they would not buy a DVD for less than $5 I got $5-$10 for each of my dollar store DVDs.

3. Blockbuster only gave store credit, so I used the store credit to get the most expensive thing they sold that was brand new, which was a DVD box set of the TV show 24 (in its hey day they were expensive).  I also had store credit left.

4.Next, I took my brand new box set to Walmart, who was selling it for more than Blockbuster was, and returned it for a hefty gift card.  Figuratively hefty, the card actually weighed the same regardless of the amount on the card.

5. Lastly, I bought the box set I was really pining for but was too cheap to buy myself, which was Alias, with Jennifer Gardner.  I also got a CD and had money left over on my gift card.

In those days I knew my way around the Walmart return policy like the back of my hand, and knew how to work the system to get what I wanted.  Though, nothing quite as elaborate at that.  I could liken watching that DVD to the end of Ocean's 11, where they are all watching the Bellagio Fountain.

Just A Theory

Headaches are basically swelling in the brain causing pressure against your skull, right?  And what do you do when any part of your body swells?  You put ice on it to bring the swelling down, yes?  That being the case, wouldn't the perfect solution to a headache be a big fat brain freeze?

So, if you get a headache, eat a sh*t-load of ice cream!

You're welcome, I just cured your headache, and given you a reason to buy a big 'ol carton of your favorite ice cream in the name of medicine.

Note:  I am not doctor, though I feel like all it really takes is a skill with Google.  I did no research on the matter, and have little desire to.  Just like I'm uninterested in hearing if I'm wrong, 'cause you can bet I'm going to be using my next headache as an excuse to enjoy some delicious frozen delights.

Enlarged

I love when a company has to put a little note on their product's packaging to inform us that the photo has been enlarged.

'Cause you know some mofo out there cracked open this bag of cough drops and was pissed to find that it does not contain cough drops the size of a small rodent.

The First Time I Was Pulled Over

My dad was in charge of teaching all six of us kids to drive, and once we had our learner's permit he would take us to a church parking lot to practice before letting us go out on the road.  We had been to the parking lot several times, and I was getting frustrated that he wouldn't let me take it out on the road to do some real people driving.  He wouldn't even let me drive the car home. 

Meanwhile, my older brother, Sbrandon, was letting me drive his truck all over the place whenever I went somewhere with him.  One time he said I could drive his truck only if I promised to not use the brake.  You know, for funsies.  We were up in the foothills hiking, and true to my word we tore down the steep hill to our neighborhood.  I still wonder how we survived that.

Back to the story...

I could hardly believe my ears when my dad told me to go ahead and make a right out of the parking lot.  The neighborhood around this particular church was very suburban and quiet with little traffic, unless you count the kiddies on bikes.  Which is probably why he chose the area. 

I was ecstatic, I was so cool, I was cruising 'round the hood, lookin' fly, rollin' hot 'cause I am driving!  Then I saw lights flashing behind me.  These particular lights were red and blue. 

My heart stopped, my entire body went numb and all coherent thought was lost as a jumble of thoughts ran through my head.

My first time legally driving and I was getting pulled over!
My siblings are never going to let me live this down. 
What if this means I can't get my license? 
Will they take my learner's permit away?
I wasn't even speeding, what did I do wrong?
What do I do?  Is there a special procedure for pulling over?  What if I pull over wrong, then what?!
Why are there so many kids on bikes?  They are clustering around my car!

My dad very calmly talked me through my panic and instructed me to pull over, put it in park and roll my window down.  I managed to do so, but was a nervous wreck.

I could hear him approaching, and could see out of the corner of my eye that he was approaching, but was scared to make eye contact with the long arm of the law.  I finally turned to look at the officer as he came up to my window. . .

It was my brother. 

My oldest brother, Jared, is a Police Officer for San Juan County and was up for something or other, probably training.  He got to my parents' house while we were out driving and apparently couldn't resist finding us, and because my dad took us all to the same spot to practice Jared knew exactly where to look.

The posse of little kids riding their bikes got a good show though.  They saw a girl getting pulled over, then said girl call the officer a jerk and lean out the window to hit the officer.

If you're wondering, the kind officer let me keep my learner's permit.

My Butt & The Bum That Handed It To Me

I got my butt handed to me by a homeless man. 

After spending some time at FAO Schwartz we set off to find a bite to eat before we needed to head to Lion King.  We found a delightful little deli just up the street and popped in there for lunch.  If you're curious, and I know you are, I got a grilled chicken sammich with avocado.  It made my heart sing.

I was out front by myself waiting for the rest of my peoples as they were buying cookies for the road.  As I was standing there a homeless man approached me.

"Do you have any change?"

"I don't, I'm sorry."  Which was very true.

"Well, you have a credit card, you can go in there and buy me a sandwich."  This wasn't even said as a request, it was like it was the obvious solution to the problem of me not having change.

"I'm sorry?"  I asked because I both couldn't believe I'd heard right, and because I could barely understand him through his thick mumbly accent.

"You can take your credit card, and go buy me a sandwich."

"I don't think I want to do that, I'm sorry sir."

"But, I'm hungry."

"I'm sorry, sir." Was all I had to say.  I began to understand that he wasn't going to leave me alone, and my cavalry wasn't coming out of the deli anytime soon.

"So, where you come from you just let people go hungry?"

I have to admit at this point I was getting pretty defensive and annoyed.  "Where I come from, people just have jobs."

"But, what am I supposed to do?"

"You should probably just get a job."

"But what am I supposed to do if people won't hire me?"  I wanted to ask how this was my fault, but just shrugged and apologized again.

At this point a swanky dressed man walked up to the deli.  The homeless man turned his attention to the newcomer, and asked him to buy him a sandwich.  The man shook his head and went into the deli.

The homeless man turned back to me and said, "Rich guy won't buy me a sandwich, what's wrong with you?!"

Does that make sense to anyone else?  I just rolled my eyes, "I'm not rich."

Finally the man sauntered off to accost more people and my crew came out of the deli with fresh cookies . We walked down the street and pssed the guy, who was now harassing another woman.  I looked at him and pointedly bit into my cookie.

Maybe I am heartless, but I have a hard time giving handouts to people that don't help themselves.  I'm more apt to give change to street performers rather than a guy that gives me the 3rd degree about buying him a sandwich. 

What do you think?  Would you have bought the guy a sandwich?

MOM

In honor of Mother's day, I thought I would reminisce on a few memories of my mom.

When I was in Kindergarten each student had to read a story in front of the class.  I decided to do The Little Red Hen.  If you've never heard it before it was about a hen that grew some wheat and eventually used it to bake bread, all while her barnyard friends wouldn't help her.  I'm sure there is a magical morale mixed in there somewhere.  My mom made miniature loaves of bread for each kid in my class to have.  All the kids thougt that was really cool that they got their own loaf of bread, myself included.  I was the coolest kid in class that day.

*****

My mom has always said she has ways of knowing things we think she couldn't possibly know, and if we ever do anything wrong, she'll know about it.  She had a rule that we couldn't go downtown by oursleves, and I suppose it was a little dangerous.  One day me and my friend decided we were going to bike to the local library.  Yes, I realize how nerdy this makes me look that I would risk getting grounded to sneak to the library of all places.  We biked down there, perused the library, went to the drugstore to buy some candy, went back to the library and read our books while eating our candy in the most sneaky of fashions to hide it from the librarians, and biked home.  I thought we were home free (pun intended) until my mom came home from work that evening and asked how the library was.  She was at work all day!  She is a magician.

***** 

When my friends called the house and my mom answered the phone, it went something like this:

Friend: "Is Bre there?"

Mom: "Physically, but not mentally."

Classic.

***** 

One day my mom mentioned how much me and sister looked alike.  We don't, and I mean we really don't.  With my prowess in rhetoric I jumped to the first comparison that came to mind.  Bugs, of course.  "But mom, Brit is like a Walking Stick, and I'm like a-a Potato Bug!"

I should add that I was about 21 at that time.

I was in between apartments, and was crashing on my parents couch in the basement while I was waiting for the current tenants to move out of my apartment so I could move in.  I had several friends over, and we were sitting in the basement when my mom started yelling down the steps:

"POTATO BUG!  POTAAAAATO BUUUUUUG!  OH, POTATO BUG!"

My friends stopped talking to listen to my mom holler down the stairs.  Of course I tried, in vain, to ignore it. 

"Is your mom saying 'Potato Bug'?"

"Ummmmm yeah, I guess she is."

"Wait, is your mom calling you Potato Bug?"

"Ha ha, no."

Then my mom chirps in with, "Potato Bug?  BRE!  Potato Bug, c'mere!"

She knew my friends were there, and knew exactly the effect it would have.  Of course, my friends started calling me Potato Bug.

***** 

Jordan and I were freshly dating, and were still in the transition from friends to more than.  I was again living in my parents basement, but this time I was occupying the only bedroom downstairs.  Jordan came over to hang out a lot, so she was used to him there, but I guess she had sensed the change.  I had a TV in my room, and we were sitting there watching a movie when she burst through the door with my dad's old shotgun and shouted "What are your intentions with my daughter?!"  Except, she barely finished her sentence before she bust out laughing, and continued to laugh so hard she cried.  She laughed the rest of the evening, she was so proud of herself.  Jordan however, didn't find it as funny, and it took a while before he wasn't intimidated by my mom.  I personally look forward to doing the same thing to my daughters' boyfriends.

I should probably make it clear that the gun wasn't loaded.

*****

My mom has a fear of water, and when we were planning our trip to Lake Powell we were desperate for her to come, even though we were planning on staying on a houseboat.  It took a lot of begging, canoodling and bribing, but she eventually agreed to go on the trip.

Once there we joked about how we were going to get her out on the tube behind the speedboat.  One morning we were all outside getting the boat ready to take out when she stepped out of the houseboat in her swimsuit, zipped up her lifejacket and said she was ready to go.

All our jaws dropped and we stared, unable to believe she was really going to get on the tube.  Despite her fear she hopped on that tube.

Smiling or grimacing, you ask?  I think I little bit of both.



While she didn't exactly conquer her fear, I was so proud that she kicked it in the butt a little that day.

******

My mom playing guitar hero.  And if this awesomeness isn't self-explanatory, the look on Jordan's face in the background should be explanation enough.

My mom is the greatest mother I could have asked for.  I feel so lucky to be her daughter.  When I grow up I want to be just like her.