How Grasshoppers Ruined My Childhood

I have been reminiscing lately.

When I was in fourth grade me and my friend loved catching grasshoppers.  We fancied ourselves highly efficient grasshopper hunters, and decided there was no grasshopper that we couldn't catch.  There was a big field near my home, and we would spend hours in the field catching grasshoppers, their speed no match for our catlike albeit childlike reflexes.  We had stealth, we had skill, we the patience of a predator only the T-Rex hunter from The Lost World could rival.

My friend and I worked as a single unit.  Armed with two mason jars pilfered from my mom's food storage we would catch a grasshopper between two cupped hands and the other would deftly open the jar without letting the currently captive grasshoppers out and the new prisoner would be introduced into the jar.  We would retire to the front yard where we would examine our catch, pride ourselves on our skill and consider offering our services to grasshopper-hating neighbors for a nominal fee.

The next day we saw him.  Instantly he was dubbed King Grasshopper.  He no doubt consumed the same green ooze that made Teenage Turtles of the Mutant variety.  He was easily 4-5 inches long, and his eyes were so big I could stare straight into his soul as he psychically posed the question as to why we were imprisoning his subjects.  He just sat there and stared at us unafraid.  He knew he was in no danger of us, and I felt like he could see our souls as well.  King Grasshopper was not happy with what he saw. 

We were terrified.

We ran back to the safety of the front yard and returned our attention to the mason jars with new insight.  The jars were three quarters full of pure grasshopper, all crammed in there in one unforgiving mess.  We could see stray severed legs here and there and a significant amount of grasshopper poo.  The living conditions were horrific, at best.  We knew what we had to do.  We unscrewed the lids and released a tidal wave of grasshoppers, intent on revenge.  An army of poo covered grasshoppers came after us, and ever since then I've had a higher respect for all of God's creatures.  Not to mention a healthy fear of King Grasshopper, and now the sight of grasshoppers gives me the willies.

Picking the Pizza Slice

Have you ever seen someone walk up to a pizza and grab a slice at random?  I haven't.  No, I take that back, I have.  When there was one slice left.

Not every pizza slice is created equal.  Everyone has a method for choosing their slice of pizza, and it all depends on multiple variables.

Size: The slice should be larger than most slices, but not the largest.  When choosing the largest people tend to look at you like maybe you're the piggy of the group.  There's always a girl that says "I want the smallest slice!"  This girl is lying.  She is hungry, but she wants to act demure and is anorexic watching her weight.  This girl is guaranteed to get a very well hidden eye roll from every other girl in the room.

Toppings: Depending on your preferences a slice is chosen based on the number of toppings.  You hunt for a slice with the smallest amount of your least favorite toppings, while at the same time has an agreeable amount of your favorite toppings. 

Crust:  The crust on a pizza could be a deal breaker.  Some pizza places make great crust, while others leave a lot to be desired.  So pizza brand is definitely included in your consideration.  Depending on whether or not you're a crust eater, a small-crusted slice or one heavy on the crust is another variable.

Air Bubbles: Admit it- no matter how old you get you still see a huge air bubble on your pizza as a phenomenon.  A big ol' air bubble on the center on your pizza slice is no good; that can effectively eliminate a good 18% of your pizza in a puff of air.  An air bubble on the crust however, can still be viewed as wondrous and is more acceptable.

I love watching people choose their pizza, I can see their brain working as they scan over the pizza to weigh their options and select the slice that meets their needs.  Personally, I select a slice that is medium sized, has the crispiest pepperoni, and heavy on the crust (for Papa Johns, that is).  What do you look for in a pizza slice?